DelosD (delosd) wrote,

As time goes by

New Year's is as good as excuse as any to think about life, and what is happening in it.  I have had a most eventful year, starting with the first few months of recovery from a heart attack and an engagement, peaking with my marriage in July, then a new job in October, and finally serious preparations to sell my house and move Heather and I into a place of our own.  It has been a very stressful year, as had the last one, and that has been continuing to take its toll on me, even as I try to come to terms with it.  I have come to realize that while I've always known that I have a low stress tolerance, I didn't know just how many things in my life I have been doing that minimize the amount of stress that my environments throws at me.  With the marriage, new job, house hunting, and the two step-Malamutes, I find that I can no longer realistically control the amount of change and stress in my life, and it has been *very* difficult learning to deal with that.  I don't know if I can say I've made more than the smallest beginnings at it.

And yet... I've always said that everything in life has it's price.  In fact, I've always been amazingly mistrustful of things that come freely or too easily, because my experience has been that nothing of value is free.  In a strange way, the difficulties and stress of this new marriage validate the worth of it.  That may be somewhat problematic, but it is the way I look at things.  Yes, I'm going to have to move, and give up much that it is familiar and comfortable to me.  I'm going to have to live the the responsibilities and unpredictable issues of pet ownership.  I'm going to have to adjust to having someone else have a voice in every significant life decision I make - and not many of you know how difficult and unfamiliar THAT will be to me.  And I'm going to have to adjust to a level of change, tumult, and life activity that is well outside of my comfort zone.

But what do I get for this?  What is it that is worth this price?  To be blunt, in many many ways I get the companion that I've always dreamed of.  Someone that loves me fiercely, strongly, and unshakably.  Someone that can keep up with me, and finds my little quirks and eccentricities cute and absorbing.  Someone that I can depend on, that I can talk to, that I can be as honest and open with as I know how to be.  (And getting better at this all the time.)  Someone that I find beautiful, desirable, exciting and stimulating - in a whole host of ways.  Someone that knows how to tell me when I'm wrong without animosity, and somehow manages to criticize me without antagonizing me.  Someone who cares, who wants what's best for me, and who thinks about me every time *she* has to make a major decision.  And someone who simply loves to be with me because I'm me - as hard as I often find that to believe!  I try every day to be a better, more thoughtful, more loving person than I was the day before, because that's what I want for you.  And because I know you are doing the same for me.  I love you very much.
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